Anything worth doing, is worth overdoing

Feb. 9, 2010

Dear Alex,

The time is 10:32pm, I’m supposed to be working out, but I’m so obviously not. I wanted so bad to record a video to you but I was unable to do so because of my dumb internet. I miss you soo bad, I wish that you could be here and experience everyday with me. I loved your letter and it made me miss all the things that I am missing out on with you guys out there. I know that you continuously want to hear all about my daily ventures and I guess it’s just harder to talk about it all in depth rather then just surface level talk, you know? But I guess sometimes it’s better to share rather then keep it all bottled up inside. I always give that advice, and so it’s always the hardest advice for me to actually follow. I love you for always forcing me to look at the brighter side and always making me face my sorrows no matter what they make me feel.

There’s so many little babies ally, and they’re all orphans and it makes me so sad when I think of how each one of them will grow up and question why their parents didn’t want them or not understand why they were unable to raise them. Some of them come when they’re just babies and aren’t even adopted out till they’re well into their teens. How sad is that? To watch everyone else around you be adopted and you are still just standing by thinking that your parents don’t love you and nobody else wants you. That makes me so sad for each and every single one of them. One little boy he’s only 2 months old. He was found the day he was born, at 4:30 am naked covered in filth, with his umbilical cord still hanging on, on the side of the road in one of the provinces. Many babies come in because they’re too sick for their parents to take care of, and all they have is the fever. Ally, they only have a fever. I was only in one of the three wards and already there were 26 babies zero to six months old. In every other ward there are the same amount of babies the same age. This is not even including the children who are 6months- to one year old, and so on. The babies in these ward are only supposed to be kept there until they’re six months old, but there were 4 seven month olds, because there is no more room in the other wards and they’re waiting for an extra bed to open up.  Ally the babies they can only use regular diapers during the dead of night, and throughout the rest of the day they are kept in cloth diapers because they must be able to use the diapers they have in moderation. They aren’t able to use baby wipes because it’s too expensive, and when there is poo that’s when we have to give them half baths. So many of the babies all have diaper rashes. I wanted to do all the things that Mommy and Daddy used to do with us, like play the little hand and feet games and sing the little lullabies personally to each child but I couldn’t even do that because there were just so many babies. Each time one stopped crying another one started and each time one was falling asleep another was waking up. For the 26 children there were a total of 5 of us. At one time I was holding one child in one arm, another propped up against my side, one sitting upright in between my legs, and the last laying in between my feet and all I was doing was singing and giggling to try to keep them smiling. Ally there were so many babies, that was me there with help, how can each one get the love and attention they deserve when there is constantly so many coming in. And does that mean that the majority of each one growing up won’t be able to develop the secure attachment relationships that they will need in order to help them with their emotional development later on in the future. Ally, I don’t ever want to leave because it kills me to know that I have to go home and live luxuriously while those little children won’t be able to get the love they deserve. And I know what you’re already thinking I can’t save them. I know, and I can’t let myself be sad over things I have no control over. But it breaks my heart when I walk in and see so many children crying and I know that their first words won’t be Mama or Dada. Ally, and I almost cried because I kept wondering what will their first words be, I couldn’t think of it I couldn’t think of what they might say. I know, I can only help them now; I don’t know what to do.

I’ve never felt so sad for anything in my life. I finally convinced Mama and Papa to let me switch and take over the night shifts, because that’s when they only have two people on staff, and they said that the babies routines don’t change just because its night time because they are constantly being fed and sleeping during the day. Their schedules are so different from the ones I watched you and Mommy keep with Isaiah and Sabrina or Tj. Everything they do is so different; we can’t even burp the babies after they drink because each time we feed them we have to put them down so they can fall asleep so we can attend to another baby. I got thrown up on 5times, all over, and I didn’t mind and because their diapers were cloth, their peepee drenched clothes drenched mine and Ally you know what. I didn’t care, I didn’t care. I kissed them Ally, I kissed each one I held and whispered I loved them. I cuddled with them as much as I could and I just kept telling them how sweet they were and how much I loved them. Nobody could stop me from kissing them this time. It was kind of sad, because you know how you always tell me its weird too kiss children who don’t belong to me, and that their parents would freak out. Well this time there was nobody to freak out so I just kept kissing them all over their faces and bodies, and I wanted to pour out as much as love as I could. But their just babies, you think they’ll notice? You think they’ll feel how much I love them. I love them already, I tried my hardest to remember each name and be able to match them up to each face.

And Ally, you want to know something really sad. When I was in the isolation ward all of those little babies had wooden cribs. And this baby, Isabella, she was so tiny and rarely cried. Well the other staff put her down into the crib, and then all you heard was BAM. And then there was screaming, and the crib was empty and all the boards and blankets were on the floor. And I dove for the floor, and I couldn’t find her and the other staff was throwing all the boards out and the blankets, and I finally found her underneath everything she had hit the hard floor first, and then everything else had crashed down on her. Ally, she had the biggest bump on her head and she wouldn’t stop crying for the longest time.

Ally, what kind of crib is that? Ally, I need you to tell me that everything will get better and that each of those kids will be adopted soon and loved and have a mommy and daddy and that next time I go there, there will be less kids and more diapers and maybe we can save money together or start a fundraiser for better cribs. Huh Ally? We can do that right. And next time you’ll come with me and we can help them together. I’m not even a mom and I can’t remember all the hand and feet games we used to play with them. And I need you so much to be here Ally, to comfort me and tell me we can make it better together. We can I know we can. And I feel horrible because I postponed my trip because of my dumb birthday, and I don’t want to go home they need me here. It’s almost official I don’t think I can have my own kids anymore, I know that’s selfish to whoever my husband is but I don’t care. Not when I know there are so many children who’s first words won’t be Mama, or Dada. Not when I remember working in the preschool section and the head lady there told me that the majority of those children have been there all their life and so many of them just want to be held, kissed, cuddled, and loved. Then I picture Isaiah and how much he hates being held and treated like a child. But these kids, they want it; they want to be loved all the time. They want to be treated like a baby, like somebody’s baby. Then I think of all the emotional issues, attachment issues, the developmental troubles, the thoughts they’ll think, the love they’ll feel they never got and the belief they’ll have is that it’s because they didn’t deserve it. It kills me to know that the majority of those kids who won’t get adopted till later in life will have those problems and those thoughts. As much as you say its not true, it is, I know it and you know it and you just want to say it to me to make me feel better.

Then there’s the handicap and special Ed kids Ally, and they’re almost the saddest cases. Because the head lady there said that they are almost never adopted out. In school I studied a lot of their illness and the methods to be used when helping them or treating them. And although, many of those are used almost all of their equipment is outdated and broken. Many of them are kept in rooms behind bars and others are kept in isolation semi-cages. The other ones that were in wheelchairs had very old rickety ones. And you know how usually they are supposed to be strapped down, well because they don’t have the proper equipment to use they have ripped up pieces of cloth that help to hold them down. Many of them that were able to walk would just walk right up and hug me, often times it was too hard and I felt like they were hurting me but I just kept smiling Ally. Someone usually had to help to untangle me. I won’t lie I was scared, I didn’t show it and its a good thing my signs of fear are smiling. So I had the fattest smile on my face. The orderly kept saying that they probably felt really taken to me because I seem very friendly and welcoming. Some would be angry and scream in my face but I would keep smiling. And some of them would come at me very quickly and because they were much bigger then me they were a lot stronger and so when they would grab my hand or body I would just relax so they wouldn’t sense my fear. I’m really glad that I didn’t let my fear paralyze me Ally, you would be so proud of me. I even helped to change a 15year olds diaper. Anjo, he was so sweet, he couldn’t talk but he kept giggling and smiling at me. When it was their naptime I asked if I could sleep with them. They said its not done often, but of course I was welcome too. I napped holding hands with two teenage tiny girls that were curled up on both sides of me. They were possibly the best cuddle partners I’ve ever had. They barely moved, griped my hands tightly, slept curled up against my side, and each time I looked in their face they had the biggest smiles on their faces. I truly felt loved and needed at that time.

I love you Ally, and I miss you more and more with each day that passes. It’s difficult not being able to just call you and text you. I wish you were here. My new good friends are Jean, Reeza, and Weng. I think they finally consider me their friend too. Before they were really stiff and formal with me. But now we always laugh and joke around. I continuously offer them my help, and always ask them if they want to do things with me. I told Jean that next time she saw her boyfriend I would do her make up. We even talk about boys together, Jean constantly asks questions about my life in America. At first she was really hesitant I know she didn’t want to feel like she was over stepping her boundaries. But, I didn’t want them to feel like I thought anything less of them, or that they were only there for one thing. In the beginning I felt very guilty about them having to sleep in my room because I was scared, but now we stay up late and I tell them all about my days, and I ask them questions about their families back in the provinces. You know how I told you that they sleep on a mattress on the floor, well I constantly offer them to sleep on my bed but they always say no. So the last couple nights, before they come in the room I always prepare their beds for them. Every time they come in I love seeing the shocked looks on their face, they are always in disbelief that I keep making the bed for them. So I was looking through the DVD’s and they were helping me, and then I said you guys pick the ones you want to watch also so we can watch them together, and Ally they got so excited. Like really amped up they kept saying really really where? And I said on my Laptop, and you should have seen the looks on their faces, but then I just had a TV brought in, instead and I told them that even if I’m busy they could just watch. And they said would it be ok? And I said duhh, so right now they’re out there watching some dumb American movie I tried so hard not to laugh, they’re so excited about it they’re so cute. Ally, they’re my age as well and I already know that life for them can’t be better then this. I would love to think otherwise, but these are all hard facts. Hard facts, like I can’t really help all of those orphans. Or corruption won’t ever stop. Or that human trafficking will continue, and children everyday are being sold into slavery, and little girls are being sold into sex slaves. Or the reason why I can’t take pictures is because some of those children were taken out of abusive homes. Or that me sitting here crying and being upset about these children’s situation does nothing for them. That although I am helping in the orphanage now, what I really should be doing is spreading awareness. Awareness about sexual education, awareness about how the amount of children you have won’t increase the amount of money you bring home, it’ll decrease it, that men should wear condoms, that there are other options besides just abandoning a child. Spread awareness that you don’t have to come to the Philippines to help these children, you can do it by helping to spread awareness about what is going on over here. That you can help through fundraising, donating, and most importantly praying.

This letter is uber long Ally, but it sums up what I’ve been writing in my personal journal. And I’m probably going to share this letter with my friends and I hope you don’t mind. I know you, and I know that you have a big heart because I learned from you how to be loving. I learned from you how to stand up for what you believe even when your own sister tells you not to do what you believe in. So thank you Ally, for standing up for what you believe in. It gives me courage everyday to know that I can continue to do what I believe in no matter how sad it makes me. I love you Ally, God must of known I would need somebody strong in my life, because I get weakened so easily.  I love you big sis.

Love your favorite sister, (after Sabrina ;) )

Me