I realized this is me. I do everything completely opposite of what a normal person does. I kiss with my eyes open. I smile at the most inappropriate times. I dance when there is no music. I laugh when nothing funny was said. I say the wrong thing. I get lost with a map in my hand. I tell the truth when I should lie. I say exactly what I am feeling when I should keep these truths to myself. I push away the people I want to keep the closest. and I leave because its the easiest thing to do.
I am the most trusting person in the world. I get my heart broken by so many friends. I’ve gotten screwed over, lied to, and hurt so many times by friends who I had tried my hardest to protect. For some reason it has allowed to me to open my arms wider to people that I barely know. I introduce them to my world and let them into my heart with no strings attached. I love these people with no regrets, no fears, or judgement.
My friends get so upset with me because they say I have too many best friends. I can’t help it. I let people in willingly and I let them all get close without worrying about their past, who they are, were, or will be. I know I have a chance to be a positive influence in their life and that in itself means that hopefully they will not hurt me in the end.
With guys it is a completely different story. I am on my guard at all times. I’ve built a wall so high that although I let them in, similarly to that of friends I still keep them out. I do things to push them away. I trust nobody. I never under any circumstances willingly allowed anybody to know I liked them. I was a B*tch. When SH got rough or did not go the way I wanted I did the easiest thing. I cut out, left, sometimes with no explanation. Ignored them and moved on to the next one. When I really liked them, I left the quickest. The more wonderful they were, the faster I ran. Getting my heart broken was never an option. I had concluded in my mind that boys, well boys did not have feelings.
After a lot of thinking I realize I had it all wrong. This quote, it just put me over. I mean I have a freaking tattoo dedicated on my body about saying “faith is what you hope for and certain of what you cant see. A quote from Hebrew, because I trust and love God. But, here I am completely going against it. The epitome of hypocrisy. I trust people I don’t know. Yet I can not trust people who have shown countless times that they could be trusted. What type of faith is that? And how can I have real hope if I was cutting any and all certainty of it.
I realized it was me. How could they trust me if I could not trust them back. You see when you trust people you act in that way. You show them yourself and by exposing yourself you allow them to feel comfortable in showing their true side. Thus, a mutual trust is built. Trust, it’s scary. Trusting someone who could hurt you, is probably the most terrifying thing. But, I forgot that it goes both ways. It can’t always be about my fear and insecurities. That’s called selfishness. If I want to gain the trust of someone else I have to trust them with the benefit of doubt.
Only I am the sole keeper of my own happiness. Nobody else could take my happiness away or make me as happy as I can. NO matter how bad I get screwed over or hurt. I’ve been broken so many times, yet this is the happiest in my life I have ever been. Because of where I’ve gotten and the trust I’ve entrusted in myself. If I fall 9 times, I always get up 10 times. I have built myself to be resilient not to be a coward.
I may still continue to be the opposite of everyone else. Kiss with my eyes open, get lost with a map in my hand, tell the truth when I should lie. But, I can and will change the way I think. Which changes the way I act. I’ll trust with my eyes open. Fear, it is self-inflicted and I am way too strong of a person to allow myself to deter my own courage. :)
